A Modest Proposal, continued

As to my part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a driver just permitted from the DMV may be supported by her parents for a solar year, with little other instruction; at most not above the value of parallel parking, which the parent may certainly get, or the value in manual transmission knowledge, by her lawful occupation of driving; and it is exactly at sixteen years old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting patience and tolerance for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the patience, and partly to the tolerance, of many thousands.

There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary car purchases for the newly licensed driver, and that horrid practice of parents chauffeuring their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! driving the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.

The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned seven million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two million couples whose wives are drivers; from which number I subtract one million couples who are able to instruct their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain two million breeders. I again subtract five hundred thousand for those parents who make use of driving school, or whose children learn by instructors in high school within the year. There only remains approximately fifty thousand children of ill-equipped parents annually licensed. The question therefore is, how this number shall be instructed and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither instruct them through their parents' hands; they neither drive well (I mean in the city and country) nor cultivate good habits: they can very seldom pick up a driving method by stealing, till they arrive at sixteen years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Marin, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of sixteen, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.

I am assured by our DMV examiners, that a boy or a girl before sixteen years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three miles of knowledgeable driving, or three miles and a half at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the time of clenched fists and white knuckles having been at least four times that length.

I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.

I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in Los Angeles, that a young healthy child well fed is at sixteen years old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.

I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the fifty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining thirty thousand may, at sixteen years old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them snack plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A teen will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.

I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just turned fifteen will weigh 120 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably fed, increaseth to 130 pounds.

I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for tax men, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.

To be continued...