We now break with our normally scheduled Modest Proposal installment to bring you this important address:
Yesterday, June 23, 2008-- a date which will live in infamy -- the San Francisco freeways were suddenly and deliberately attacked by rush hour forces of the Empire of Poor Drivers.
The Bay Area was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of said Drivers, was still in conversation with their representatives and its emperor, the SUV-captaining, cell phone talking, latte sipping soccer mom, looking toward the maintenance of peace by the Bay.
Indeed, one hour after Poor Driver vehicle squadrons had commenced crowding on the Peninsula highway of 101, the Drivers' ambassador to the Bay Area and her colleague delivered to our Mayor a formal reply to a recent San Franciscan message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of gridlock or of rear end collisions.
It will be recorded that the distance of San Francisco from Palo Alto makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, the Poor Drivers have deliberately sought to deceive the Bay Area by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.
The attack yesterday on the local freeways has caused severe damage to Bay Area states of mind and states of fenders. I regret to tell you that very many birds have been flipped. In addition, MUNI buses have been reported sideswiped on the high roads between San Francisco and Daly City.
Yesterday, the Poor Drivers also launched an attack against the 280.
Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked the Bay Bridge.
Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked Van Ness Avenue.
Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked the 92.
Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked the 380.
And this morning, the Poor Drivers attacked the Oregon Expressway.
The Poor Drivers have, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Bay Area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the Peninsula have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our passengers.
As commander in chief of the highways and surface streets, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole populace remember the character of the onslaught against us.
No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the Bay Area people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.
I believe that I interpret the will of the DMV and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.
Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.
With confidence in our Highway Patrol forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph -- so help us God.
I ask that the CHiPs declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the Poor Drivers on Monday, June 23, 2008, a state of war has existed between the Bay Area and the Poor Driver empire.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A Modest Proposal, continued
As to my part, having turned my thoughts for many years upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of other projectors, I have always found them grossly mistaken in the computation. It is true, a driver just permitted from the DMV may be supported by her parents for a solar year, with little other instruction; at most not above the value of parallel parking, which the parent may certainly get, or the value in manual transmission knowledge, by her lawful occupation of driving; and it is exactly at sixteen years old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner as instead of being a charge upon their parents or the parish, or wanting patience and tolerance for the rest of their lives, they shall on the contrary contribute to the patience, and partly to the tolerance, of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary car purchases for the newly licensed driver, and that horrid practice of parents chauffeuring their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! driving the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned seven million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two million couples whose wives are drivers; from which number I subtract one million couples who are able to instruct their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain two million breeders. I again subtract five hundred thousand for those parents who make use of driving school, or whose children learn by instructors in high school within the year. There only remains approximately fifty thousand children of ill-equipped parents annually licensed. The question therefore is, how this number shall be instructed and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither instruct them through their parents' hands; they neither drive well (I mean in the city and country) nor cultivate good habits: they can very seldom pick up a driving method by stealing, till they arrive at sixteen years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Marin, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of sixteen, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our DMV examiners, that a boy or a girl before sixteen years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three miles of knowledgeable driving, or three miles and a half at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the time of clenched fists and white knuckles having been at least four times that length.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in Los Angeles, that a young healthy child well fed is at sixteen years old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the fifty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining thirty thousand may, at sixteen years old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them snack plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A teen will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just turned fifteen will weigh 120 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably fed, increaseth to 130 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for tax men, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.
To be continued...
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary car purchases for the newly licensed driver, and that horrid practice of parents chauffeuring their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us! driving the poor innocent babes I doubt more to avoid the expense than the shame, which would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned seven million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two million couples whose wives are drivers; from which number I subtract one million couples who are able to instruct their own children, although I apprehend there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom; but this being granted, there will remain two million breeders. I again subtract five hundred thousand for those parents who make use of driving school, or whose children learn by instructors in high school within the year. There only remains approximately fifty thousand children of ill-equipped parents annually licensed. The question therefore is, how this number shall be instructed and provided for, which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can neither instruct them through their parents' hands; they neither drive well (I mean in the city and country) nor cultivate good habits: they can very seldom pick up a driving method by stealing, till they arrive at sixteen years old, except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much earlier, during which time, they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers, as I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the county of Marin, who protested to me that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of sixteen, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our DMV examiners, that a boy or a girl before sixteen years old is no salable commodity; and even when they come to this age they will not yield above three miles of knowledgeable driving, or three miles and a half at most on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or kingdom, the time of clenched fists and white knuckles having been at least four times that length.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in Los Angeles, that a young healthy child well fed is at sixteen years old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout.
I do therefore humbly offer it to public consideration that of the fifty thousand children already computed, twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one-fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep, black cattle or swine; and my reason is, that these children are seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the remaining thirty thousand may, at sixteen years old, be offered in the sale to the persons of quality and fortune through the kingdom; always advising the mother to let them snack plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump and fat for a good table. A teen will make two dishes at an entertainment for friends; and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or salt will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium that a child just turned fifteen will weigh 120 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably fed, increaseth to 130 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very proper for tax men, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.
To be continued...
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
A Modest Proposal
A Modest Proposal For Preventing The Drivers of Vehicles in San Francisco From Being A Burden to The People or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public
It is a melancholy object to those who drive through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and highways, crowded with drivers of each sex, followed by three, four, or six drivers, all in vehicles and importuning every passenger for patience. These drivers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in traveling to beg tolerance from their helpless fellow travelers: who as they travel either turn poor drivers for want of such patience and tolerance, or leave their dear native San Francisco to fight for the Pretender in Los Angeles, or sell themselves to the New Yorkers.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of drivers in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their freeways, and frequently of their avenues, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these drivers sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the drivers of professed ignorance; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of drivers at a certain stage who are born of an infratstructure in effect as little able to support them as the CHiPs who demand our ability in the streets.
...to be continued
It is a melancholy object to those who drive through this great town or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the roads, and highways, crowded with drivers of each sex, followed by three, four, or six drivers, all in vehicles and importuning every passenger for patience. These drivers, instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time in traveling to beg tolerance from their helpless fellow travelers: who as they travel either turn poor drivers for want of such patience and tolerance, or leave their dear native San Francisco to fight for the Pretender in Los Angeles, or sell themselves to the New Yorkers.
I think it is agreed by all parties that this prodigious number of drivers in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of their freeways, and frequently of their avenues, is in the present deplorable state of the kingdom a very great additional grievance; and, therefore, whoever could find out a fair, cheap, and easy method of making these drivers sound, useful members of the commonwealth, would deserve so well of the public as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only for the drivers of professed ignorance; it is of a much greater extent, and shall take in the whole number of drivers at a certain stage who are born of an infratstructure in effect as little able to support them as the CHiPs who demand our ability in the streets.
...to be continued
On the Driver of the Prius
On the matter of the Driver of the Prius, and what You can do to stop him.
You know the one. The guy (or gal) whose purchase of a Prius has led him to such heights of self-satisfaction that he (or she) has come to the Zen-like realization that, as the Driver of the Prius, he can do no wrong.
So he zigs without signaling. She zags like a woman possessed. Both of them race along in the fast lane, mere inches from one another. He tailgates SUVs. She cuts off land yachts.
And they do these things because they know that they are getting at least 10 miles more per gallon than you are.
What can You do to stop them?
1. Whenever the Driver of the Prius approaches in your rearview mirror, slow down to the Prius's stated most fuel-efficient speed (66 mph, by the way). The Driver of the Prius, who care not one whit for actual fuel economy, will turn bright red, and make an aggressive move around you, passing on your right and giving you a simultaneously self-satisfied and annoyed look. You have won the day.
2.
You know the one. The guy (or gal) whose purchase of a Prius has led him to such heights of self-satisfaction that he (or she) has come to the Zen-like realization that, as the Driver of the Prius, he can do no wrong.
So he zigs without signaling. She zags like a woman possessed. Both of them race along in the fast lane, mere inches from one another. He tailgates SUVs. She cuts off land yachts.
And they do these things because they know that they are getting at least 10 miles more per gallon than you are.
What can You do to stop them?
1. Whenever the Driver of the Prius approaches in your rearview mirror, slow down to the Prius's stated most fuel-efficient speed (66 mph, by the way). The Driver of the Prius, who care not one whit for actual fuel economy, will turn bright red, and make an aggressive move around you, passing on your right and giving you a simultaneously self-satisfied and annoyed look. You have won the day.
2.
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