Infamy

We now break with our normally scheduled Modest Proposal installment to bring you this important address:

Yesterday, June 23, 2008-- a date which will live in infamy -- the San Francisco freeways were suddenly and deliberately attacked by rush hour forces of the Empire of Poor Drivers.

The Bay Area was at peace with that nation and, at the solicitation of said Drivers, was still in conversation with their representatives and its emperor, the SUV-captaining, cell phone talking, latte sipping soccer mom, looking toward the maintenance of peace by the Bay.

Indeed, one hour after Poor Driver vehicle squadrons had commenced crowding on the Peninsula highway of 101, the Drivers' ambassador to the Bay Area and her colleague delivered to our Mayor a formal reply to a recent San Franciscan message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of gridlock or of rear end collisions.

It will be recorded that the distance of San Francisco from Palo Alto makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time, the Poor Drivers have deliberately sought to deceive the Bay Area by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the local freeways has caused severe damage to Bay Area states of mind and states of fenders. I regret to tell you that very many birds have been flipped. In addition, MUNI buses have been reported sideswiped on the high roads between San Francisco and Daly City.

Yesterday, the Poor Drivers also launched an attack against the 280.

Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked the Bay Bridge.

Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked Van Ness Avenue.

Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked the 92.

Last night, the Poor Drivers attacked the 380.

And this morning, the Poor Drivers attacked the Oregon Expressway.

The Poor Drivers have, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Bay Area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the Peninsula have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our passengers.

As commander in chief of the highways and surface streets, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense. But always will our whole populace remember the character of the onslaught against us.

No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the Bay Area people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the DMV and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost, but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory, and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our Highway Patrol forces, with the unbounding determination of our people, we will gain the inevitable triumph -- so help us God.

I ask that the CHiPs declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by the Poor Drivers on Monday, June 23, 2008, a state of war has existed between the Bay Area and the Poor Driver empire.